itinerrance

Last week I turned 36. And I’m still upset by this lousy birthday.

Upset by the fact that I had no energy to throw a party with my friends.

Upset by the fact that no one else threw a party for me.

Upset by the fact that there was no birthday cake and worse, no birthday candles. No candle blowing means no birthday celebrating, that’s as simple as this.

Upset by the fact that my dad felt compelled to invite me for diner. Uttered 3 sentences to me, the first one being: “you’ve put on much more weight during this pregnancy than for the previous one”. Spent the evening in the kitchen, preparing a meal to please me. People who truly know me know I don’t care much about food.

Upset by the fact that my little one was so sad and cried hard because she hadn’t been given a present to offer me on the D day.

Upset by the lousy presents, except the ones coming from an ex-boyfriend, my beloved daughter and S. Here is the “lousy” list

• a portable GPS to have my pictures automatically localized on a map. Great but most of my pics are taken from home. Typically the kind of gadget that you forget to take with you or forget to switch on
• a cookbook. I don’t cook and don’t particularly like it. I doubt I’ll have time and will to improve this skill when the baby’s here.
• verrines to go with the cookbook. Still don’t like to cook.
• pink moleskine notebooks. Finally one on target but already bought this set two weeks ago. Not going to say it out loud…
• anti-aging facial cream. Ok it’s from a reputed cosmetic brand, but it carries the same message nonetheless…

The “nice” presents list now

• a lavender shower gel and a beautiful drawing both given to me by my little one
• a beautiful bouquet from S. and the side note “I’m far but I’m here with you”
• a poster of Adrien: that was a personalized present, funny, hand-made and really on target. Started a good laugh, thank you M. :)

Finally, I’m upset by being upset. I should consider myself lucky to even have some people to “celebrate” my birthday with. But I don’t.

I feel sad when I understand that my dad probably didn’t spend 2 minutes thinking of a present for me (delegating this to V. who did her best).

I feel desperate to once again realize that the guy who shares my life knows so little about my tastes or my personality and continues to offer me presents that would please HIM. I feel angry that he made my girl cry so hard because he hadn’t found a present for her to give me (a daisy would have done).

Am I already becoming bitter at 36?